The grass is not aways greener...

Hidey ho, Neighbors! ITMA!

Today, I decided to go to the Garden of the Groves. I am not a very keen gardener; in fact I once blew up my lawn mower. To this day, I don’t know how, I was just mowing the lawn and the blade thing jammed and the engine blew up. Strangely enough, I never saw the hideous picture of Adele’s Mom that was hanging in the lounge after that day, either. The more cynical amongst you are probably thinking “Two Birds, One Stone!” I denied it then, and I deny it now!

Any-hoo I went to the tropical garden and met the present owner, a very nice lady called Erica. She is full of vigor and enthusiasm for all of her projects. I have been to a lot of these gardens in the past, the most memorable of which up to today was Powers Court Gardens near Dublin in Southern Ireland, and believe it or not, a lot of similar plant life, this due to the Gulf stream. That’s right, I actually listened to what I was being told! Mrs. Howarth, my old Geography teacher, would have been so proud! Talking of old teachers, I met my old Deputy principal on a cruise once, A nice guy, but while I was on stage he was talking, and it gave me great pleasure to say “Quiet, at the back…you know who I’m talking too!” We did have a chat, and he remembered me as I was from the days when the cane was still used! Happy days!

Back to the Gardens, I opted to walk around on my own instead of taking the guided tour, and it was very nice. Fortunately I had remembered my mosquito spray, so I managed to keep most of my blood to myself and halfway round, there it was. An oasis in a dessert of heat! The cabin. There was another reason I decided to go it alone, and this was it, the cabin. A very nice situation, comfortable chairs, tables, a superb terrace that has been decked out, butterflies flying around, birds singing and the sound of a waterfall, just out of view, cascading down the rocks. And a nice cold beer. The sound of a fresh can being opened and poured into a glass, the foam just slightly rolling down the outside of the glass and hotdog waiting to see how long I can resist it. I feel like Sir John Mills in the last scene of “Ice Cold In Alex” No Anthony Quail or Silvia Syms though! Continuing around the garden I came to an area of rocks, and found Erica looking intently at something close by. She pointed at some rocks and said “Almost 40 years ago, I posed in a bikini on those rocks when the gardens first opened”. I had a quick look round at her rest of the gardens, and saw the main party in the distance. It looked to me that they were going to be at least another fifteen minutes before going to the coach, (I had decided to hitch a lift back to Port Lucya) so time to revisit the cabin and get the sequel to both the beer and the hot dog! Unfortunately, I miss calculated, and missed the coach. I had to wait for a taxi. And they said it would take a bit of time. What to do? Oh I have an idea…back to the cabin! Every cloud…
So any way the taxi came, and I went back to the Discovery Sun to prepare for the trip back. I wanted to try the Casino in Port Lucya, but I didn’t have time, maybe it is just as well, I am not very lucky. I am so unlucky, when I was in the school marching band, I got the piano! And I was so ugly, my Mom had to tie a steak around my neck just so the dog would play with me! Ah well, such is life!
‘Till next time
Rick.

More fruit for my drink, please!

So, welcome to Sunday. Last night was very nice. The Pax were disembarked by 23.30, and the Magician and I went out to the bar. We were both determined not to drink alcohol, I am still on track to get back my washboard stomach, (at the moment it looks more like an industrial washing machine, with a top loader!) and he had some friends from home over last Wednesday, and obviously there is a recovery period after such an event! However, our favorite waitress saw us as we walked in and began to pour our normal beverage, so it seemed churlish not to encourage such good customer relations!

Also, a dozen oysters hit the spot for me! Man, they are very slippery. I like oysters, but I have yet to find a pearl. Or her mother. It was happy hour for oysters, but I will be honest, they didn’t look very happy! The main reason we go to that bar is because it has free wi-fi, so I get to down load TV shows and stuff. It may not sound much, but it really is a wild and crazy night out!

Back to Sunday and once again the sailing was very smooth. A lot of Bahamians went back to the Island today, laden down with Christmas Shopping, so it was too difficult for me to get off today, as there would not be enough time for me to do any thing before our sail time, so once again I decide to stay aboard. The weather is great, and there is an excitement aboard generated by the onset of the big day, the kids are so hyper, and they are looking twice at every one in red clothes.

Sitting on the back deck in the warm sunshine, sunglasses on, with a Rum punch in hand, thoughts do begin to drift. I spoke to Adele this morning, and the cat is back. Apparently, it has decided to time-share us with the neighbors. Twice the food and half the effort! Crafty cat! Personally, I prefer dogs, although I do feel a bit stupid on the beach at home screaming for Dolly-Mixture only to have a 10 stone Rottie hurl it self at me! I do get some funny looks.

Christmas cards are flying around the Discovery Sun today, so I am going to have to go to the shop tonight and get some cards to send back! There are a lot of departments on board, sooo a lot of cards to get. I have to say though, that none of the cards I received have had any cash in them! Ah well.

The show tonight was very enjoyable, the audience, once again, very mellow. Some of them were so mellow that they were horizontal, but they had just over-indulged a little bit ashore, and would enjoy a nice nap for most of the way back.

When they get back on board the Discovery Sun they have the option of buying a very nice drink called a “Crazy Pineapple” You cut off the top of a Pineapple, and carve out the middle, then you mix white rum, brandy and fruit punch all together and pour it in to the pineapple! Straws, an umbrella, (paper, not real!) add a Cherry on a stick and Ta-Da! A drink, a meal and talking point all in one! And a very nice photo op to show the folks back home. How often have you drunk a cocktail out of a whole pineapple? And the waiter’s look of confusion is quite funny if you ask, “Excuse me, but does this have any pineapple in it?” Or “Are you sure this is a coconut drink?” or even, “there is no fruit in this is there?” I have to admit, it must get a bit of a drag after a while, but what the hey? They haven’t had to go through life being called Ricky Martyn. Every time some one meets me at Heathrow with my name on a sign there is a large crowd of soon to be disappointed people gathered around the driver. (Gives me a bit of a giggle though, to be honest!)
‘Till next time,
Rick

So long and thanks for all the...fishsticks?

Howdy-doodley-doo! ITMA. How are you all doing today? Well, today is Saturday, and everyone is a bit tired today as we had a crew inspection last night with Homeland Security. This happens around every six months or so, just so they can keep their fingers on the pulse so to speak. A necessary procedure, but Man you are tired the next day. By the time I got to the area, the line was sooo long. I went to my cabin, loaded a movie on to my touch, and watched that while I was in line. One hour and twenty minuets later I was at the front of the line, and five minuets from the end of the movie! What to do, WHAT to do? In the end, I let a few other people ahead of me, and watched the end of the movie. Personally, I think that Clarence DEFINITELY deserved his wings!

Well today was a very smooth sail across to Grand Bahama, and when I went to look at the party, all was well, and the team did a great job enthusing the crowd. We got to Grand Bahama nice and early and it was time for me to take a trip that I had organized a few days ago. It is time…to visit the Dolphins. Unexso run these tours, and they call them The Close Encounter. I’ll tell you, unless you have done this, you haven’t lived. Dolphins are amazing creatures. And, according to the Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy, one of the most intelligent creatures on this planet, second only to white mice!

They do eat a LOT of fish, so their breath isn’t great, but what are you going to do? By the way, what do you call a fish with no eyes? A Fsh! How do I know what their breath smells like? Well, I am not proud of it, but I allowed the dolphin to kiss me! I didn’t even get dinner and dancing! And on a first date! And between you and me, I don’t even know if it was a girl or a boy! But it IS part of the experience, so I didn’t want to be a killjoy. Also, during the experience they told us a lot about the best way to interact with them. For instance, don’t go anywhere near the hole on the top of their head, that is the best way to find out if anything annoys a dolphin! Let them come to you, that’s another good idea! Don’t just grab at them, no one likes that. Mind you, that IS how I met Adele! I know what you are thinking, what kind of animal just grabs at somebody, pins their arms to their side and passionately kisses them with out even finding out their name? Well, you probably haven’t met her so you shouldn’t judge, and she doesn’t do that kind of thing any more. And, after I got over the shock, I quite liked it. They don’t feel quite like you would expect, (THE DOLPHINS! Behave yourselves!) they kind of feel like a hard, wet cushion, and you can feel the power rippling through them with the slightest movement. I got some great photos, and the one of me being dragged through the water is the fulfillment of one of my biggest ambitions, ever since I saw a TV show back in the mists of time called “Flipper” It was a bit like a Aquatic version of “Skippy” which in turn was a Antipodean version of “The Littlest Hobo” which was a Canadian version “Lassie!” Now that I think about it, I may have watched a little too much TV as a child! Mind you, my family was a bit like “The Adams Family” and I did spend a lot of time trying to get the local Rag and Bone mans horse to say Wilbur…just once. Never happened. Now I’m older, I realize that I was being naive. Mr. Ed didn’t live anywhere near me, and if he did, he wouldn’t have been pulling a cart! What a fool!

Any-hoo, after we had dried off, I said goodbye to my new friend, and explained that next time we met I would expect at least a drink before there was any more kissing involved, but to be honest, I felt I was just another notch on the sea-weed, and I suspect another kissie was being eyed up, even as I was talking. Ah well, there are plenty more fish in the sea!
‘Till next time
Rick

Sometimes, you need to stay in the shade!

Greetings from paradise! ITMA! Well, today I decided to stay on the Discovery Sun all day. It was hard getting up this morning; it was quite a late night last night, due to a very large amount of passengers coming back to Ft. Lauderdale. So, this morning I had a lie in until about 07.00 and then had to shower quicker than normal. (Don’t worry Mom, I washed behind my ears!) Into my office and a quick call back to the U.K. from my cell. (Adele) I say a quick call, but I had to listen to a tale about how she took the dog , (Dolly, believe it or not, short for Dolly-Mixture. Strange name for a Rottweiler, don’t you think?)
to the park where apparently she was flirting with a Yorkshire Terrier. Dolly, not Adele. I don’t think it will ever work between them; I think someone put the terrier up to it! Anyway, once we left Ft. Lauderdale, I did my travel talk to the passengers and then completed some paper work. (See Boss, I do work sometimes!) and then a quick walk around the ship to make sure we have happy passengers. The deck party was in full swing by the time I got there, and the beer drinking competition was just starting when I arrived. I have to admit, I do enjoy demonstrating exactly what they have to do for that one. I’m not to keen on the Hula competition though, as I have problems getting the hoop over my hips! No, I am only joking, I do keep myself in shape to be truthful…it’s just that the shape I keep myself in happens to be round! We have a lot of fun at the parties (we have two a day!) and we give out a lot of prizes! Every prize is a number of tokens, get twelve, and you get a round trip cruise, so it’s pretty good! Once we arrived in Freeport and the passengers got off, it was time to decorate my showroom for Christmas! Deck the Halls with Boughs of Plastic Holly, Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la! My team and I trimmed and sparkled and spread joy throughout the room. It looks like a fairy grotto in here now. All we need now is a Fat Bloke in a red suit to sit on the stage. One of my team members did suggest me. “What a funny way to hand in his notice!” I thought, “Ah, well I hope he enjoys cleaning out the toilets back stage!” On the way back, once again a quick check around the ship, small problem finding the helium, (don’t ask!) but all in all, everything was fine. We did sail late, which means we may be late in to Ft. Lauderdale, so another decision to make regarding show time. In the end I thought we would keep show time at the same time as usual, and look at providing some more entertainment IF we are going to be late.

Now I have to make the biggest decision of the day. Slimfast or Dinner? Slimfast or Dinner? Adele is expecting a six-pack when I get back in a few weeks. At the moment, it is more of a keg! I have been on a seafood diet for a long time. When I see food, I eat it!
I once tried to invent my own “food patch,” you know, like a nicotine patch? I used a bit of Duct Tape and a meatball sub. I called it the Rickotine patch. It really made a mess of my shirt!

But once again I start to ramble. Back to my day. The evening starts with my team calling bingo, and there is an opportunity for someone to win $2000.00 dollars. After the bingo it is time…for SHOWTIME! The team get the stage ready, the lights go dim and the Stage-manager announces that it is Showtime. I walk on to the stage, and do a warm set of about twenty minutes to introduce the main act. The audiences are usually very mellow and ready to enjoy the show, so it makes it a pleasure to work. Sometimes, I have to change one or two aspects of my show to cater for people on this side of the Atlantic, but on the whole, they get me. Then I introduce the cabaret, our magician, Kardenni. He does a spot that lasts about thirty-five minuets, and when he finishes, we are just about entering our berth for the night. We disembark our passengers, and so to bed. The bar. No, bed. No, the bar…and a burger! Two burgers. And a Pitcher of beer! Hurrah! (Ring, Ring! Ring, Ring!) “Hello? Oh hello, love. Yes love. No love. The terrier did what? He brought a stepladder today? Ha! How is your Mom? Did she get her new Caldron? No, I’m going to bed. No, I am just going to have a rice cake.
Okaaay, not a whole rice cake. Yes, you too. No, I can’t say it, people are reading.
All right, all right, I love you too. xx night, night angel!” Well, I guess I’m off to bed then!
“Till next time
Rick

Pass the soap, it's warm in here!

Hey, everybody! I’m baaaack!
What a day I have had today. Today we have had a very large group of fun loving people on-board who brought their own DJ. One hundred and twenty six of them! They have been an absolute blast, and they seem to be having a great time, although to be honest, I think some of them won’t remember what a great time they had!!

We arrived at Freeport at about 13.00 (wha? Sorry, one o’clock in the afternoon!) and I decided to go snorkeling, with the Snorkeling Adventure Snorkeling Adventure Now, I have been diving all over the world, and I mean all over the world, from the Far East to the Red Sea to the Caribbean to the Manchester Ship Canal! (I learned to Dive in Malaysia. I wanted to learn at home, but when I rang the swimming pool where I live, I asked, “Is that the local swimming pool?” and the lady who answered the phone said “Well it depends where you’re ringing from!” I didn’t like her attitude at all!) So I didn’t think that just going to snorkel in the Bahamas was going to be much, just an average day out. I was so wrong, it was a superb day! First of all, I was very well rested, as yesterday was a day off for me, I got to go to bed quite early, (around 00.30…sorry, sorry 12.30!) so I was truly bright eyed and bushy tailed. After spending the morning at sea, (as I said before, a great morning sail!) I packed my shorts, was tempted briefly by the Speedos that were smirking at me from the bottom of the wardrobe, but as always sanity prevailed! My fins, mask and snorkel were already packed and off I went. I decided to go ‘cos we were going to sail from Freeport a bit later than normal, so I would make it back before sail. Otherwise, I am very glad I have my swimming gear with me; It is a long way back to Ft. Lauderdale!

Once on the boat the fun started right away. I bought my self a drink, and sat back as we headed for the reef. The weather was great, and the water was as clear as glass. And I am talking about the kind of glass you can see through, not the kind our window cleaner leaves behind! There was beer on board, but I know from past experience, drinking AFTER swimming is safer! I also spotted the Strawberry Daiquiris…Ye-haa! There is going to be a par-tay on the way back! Once we arrived at the reef, I geared up; head for the edge of the boat and in I went. All of my expectations of it being an average experience disappeared almost at once! The water was so warm and I can’t explain just how clear it was! And there was thousand of fish, thousands of them. And whoever it was that said that fish have no memory, I think they need to re-think their theory. These fish KNEW we had bread to feed them! They KNEW. They didn’t scatter like you would expect them too, they flocked towards us, it was marvelous! The corral reef, as you know is a living enterty, and it was teeming with fish and sea life. And I’ll be honest, don’t hold me to it, but I swear I found Nemo!! Back on board the boat, I had a climb on the rock wall, and some kids were using the slide of the side, it was a really great time. And so, to the refreshment area! I had bought a beer, and wondered if the game I saw on some film or other would work, a novel use for my snorkel. I put on my mask, put the snorkel in my mouth and someone poured the beer in the top of the snorkel. It does work! Fortunately, my snorkel is quite a good one, and has a one-way valve on the mouthpiece, so blowing sent the beer out of the mouth piece when it got a bit to much for me! (About two mouthfuls in I’m sorry to say, I am a bit of a light weight. Ha!) Then I enjoyed a Strawberry Daiquiri. There is something about sitting on the back of a boat, feet up, shades on, a Strawberry Daiquiri in hand in the middle of a work day that makes you just want to say, “the name is Bond…James Bond!” So I did, just very quietly, and to myself. Not, it seems, quietly enough though. The lady sat next to me looked at me very strangely, whispered in her friend ear, and then they both got up, stared at me, gathered their belongings, and made their way to the front of the boat. Maybe it was what I had said, or maybe it was the tux and flip-flops that put them off, I don’t know! Have to go folks; I need to buy Adele’s Mom a new broom…the old one getting too many air miles on it!
‘Till next time,
Rick

Youv'e bought yourself WHAT!!??

Goooood Day to you all! ITMA!
I hope you are all feeling well today; personally I’m fine and thank you all for asking! Sooo, today I woke up at my customary 06.30, (it’s not all glamour!!) and it was raining! We were along side in Ft. Lauderdale and it was very gray indeed. “A bit depressing.” I thought to my self, “bit depressing, and wet!” Passengers were coming on board; all asking the same thing, some, it has to be said, with panic in their eyes! “Will it be any warmer in Grand Bahama?” Fortunately, once we left port, the weather picked up and their panic retreated to the odd haunted look at the sky. Seasoned sailors amongst them, (some had done at least 3 or 4 cruises!) look toward the horizon and state, with authority, “I’m sure it will be fine once we get to the Island!” Between you and I… they are right! It will be fine. I have been at sea for many years, having joined the Royal Navy at 16, and having traveled on cruise ships since I left the service, first as cabaret and then as management and over all this time I have learned how to read the signs. The direction of the wind, for instance, the smell of the ozone. Noting the direction of the waves, and whether or not there are any white horses. The cloud formations, and finally, perhaps, the most important indication of all …the weather service as provided by Google!

We’ll be right back after these messages, I’m off ashore. Port Luckya’s shops are beckoning!

And, we’re back!

Every contract I do, I self indulge a bit, and buy myself something. This time, it was something better than normal, as it was my birthday a few days ago. I decided to get my self a new watch. I kind of collect watches, so I decided it was time to go for the Rolex! In my youth, I have bought many a Rolex knock off, some in Singapore, some in Casablanca, some from the Caribbean, and they never last for more than a month or two. Also for some reason, whenever someone comments on your watch, like “ Oh that’s a nice watch, a Rolex, right?” you feel compelled, for some odd reason, to say “Oh, it’s a fake!” Why do we buy fakes if we are going to tell every body what they are? Why not just get a Timex in the first place. Do you think Timex ever had people doing knock offs?

Any way, I digress, as I said I decided to buy a Rolex, so off I toddled, to one of the stores that Discovery back, called Colombian Emeralds International. They have a lot of stores all over this reign, so you know you can trust them, I bought my Rado watch from one a few years ago when I was in Barbados. (oooh, get me!) So there I am in the store, trying on watches. I have just about narrowed down my choice, whilst enjoying the air con, (it was hot out) when I am suddenly stricken by guilt. Here it is, almost Crimbo, and I haven’t really bought anything for Adele, and here I am, surrounded by rings…(and she has been hinting…) so I made a quick decision. I bought the Rolex Sea Dweller Deep Sea, (well I don’t take my watch of in the shower, so it’s best to have a divers watch!) for my self (Happy birthday Rick!) and sent Adele a picture of me wearing it, so everyone’s a winner! What’s that? What about the ring? Well I would, but her fingers are smaller when they are so cold, (she is still in the UK…) so I wouldn’t want to get her one she can’t wear. As you can tell, I am all heart. When I do get around to it, though, I will probably bring her here to get it, as it is a Duty Free Island. As I said, all heart!!
Oh, and to the many of you who asked about Adele’s Moms laryngitis, it is kind of a funny story how she got it. Last time Adele came out to see me, a few weeks ago, her mom came too. We all went out for the day… and she fell down a Wishing Well!! It wasn’t really my fault…I didn’t know they worked!

‘Till next time,
Rick

It's a hell of a life, but someone has to live it!

Hi, everybody! ITMA! (It’s That Man Again!)
Rick here once again to bring you the latest news off the Discovery Sun.

Today… I decided to go to the beach at Taino Beach Resort. Sometimes it is hell being me! Here it is, the middle of December, and I am wondering if Factor 30 is going to be enough. Also, choices, choices! Shorts or Speedo’s…and, well, as I do have a bit of a belly, I did what all overweight men, all around the world, tend to do at the beach, and opted for the Speedo’s! No, not really, I went with the shorts. (I have to admit to once trying on Speedos at the shop and wondering how on earth some of these big guys can look in the mirror and say to themselves, “Yes! Now, that is the look I am going for!”)

Having been out on Saturday night in Ft. Lauderdale, and then up bright and early on Sunday morning, I wasn’t feeling quite as chipper as I should, but once I got to the beach, a quick pick me up in the shape of a Bahama Mama, (And just in case my boss is reading this, it was Non alcoholic, honest!) and I was good to go! I did enjoy the water-slide, although trying to go down it upside down was nowhere near as funny as I thought it was going to be! That really clears out the cobwebs! I also decide to have a burger at the bar in the pool! I have often wondered who the first person was that said, “Hey. I have an idea! Lets put the bar IN the pool!” I mean, that must have been a hard sell, don’t you think? Did the early attempts have the barman also in swimwear? Were there waiting staff bobbing about with trays held above their heads? Any way, my rambling apart, I enjoyed my lunch and headed back to the beach, and caught some sun. As I lay there, wondering whether to have a Beer (sorry Boss) to hold down the burger, I thought about my partner, Adele, who is back in England. I gave here a quick call from my cell to see how she was, and apparently, it was snowing, her car has packed up, she has a touch of flu, and the cat has decided that the food they serve next door is nicer, so it packed it’s litter tray and moved in with them. I felt did feel bad for her, so bad in fact, that I decided, YES, I will have a beer to hold down the burger! Life, huh?

We left Freeport a bit later than planed, we had smooth sailing for the trip and we got back to Ft. Lauderdale around 10.15pm with a ship full of tired, but happy passengers.

Well, I have to go, I need to ring home again. Apparently, Adele’s Mom has laryngitis, and I don’t want to miss that!

Hello!

Hi everybody. My name is Rick, and I have to say I feel that I am one of the luckiest people in the world. I get to go to paradise everyday with my job as Cruise Director of Discovery Sun! For those amongst you who don’t know, the Discovery Sun runs a one day cruise to and from the Bahamas on a daily bases! Imagine. White Sandy Beaches, beautiful weather and some of the friendliest people on earth every day! I kid you not; it is a fantastic place to go once in a lifetime, and to do it every day is just incredible.
I hope to share with you all on a daily bases my experiences of this wonderful island, and the ship that takes us there.

Today, my self and about 20 other members of the staff and crew volunteered to help at a center for under privileged children, an event that is quickly becoming an annual tradition for the crew of the Discovery Sun. It was an incredibly heart-warming and humbling experience. We had our waiting staff serving the superb food, our chefs were cutting the turkey and hams, our casino, housekeeping and cruise staff were serving drinks and helping to prepare the plates and we even took our own magician off the ship who entertained the children and adults with his own brand of spell binding entertainment, capturing the imagination of the children and adults alike. After the main meal, a dessert was served and this was followed by party games and a distribution of gifts that had been donated by local families. This was a superb start to the Holidays, both for these great kids, and for us! I spoke to many of the staff on the way back to the vessel, and we all had stories to share about what a great day we had had.
On our way back to the Discovery Sun, we went past many of the local attractions, including the International Market and an area called Church row, where there are Houses of Worship of all denominations, all side by side, all getting on with each other, truly a community in every sense of the word, a lesson we all could do with learning!
Our Coach driver, (Shylock) kept us all amused, both on the way there and on the way back with a constant stream of stories about the Bahamian way of life. Listening to this incredibly entertaining man, it was easy to see just how laid back and humorous the Bahamians are. They are always smiling, and they always make you feel welcome in, what essentially is, their home.
Til’ next time,
Rick.